Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Stay A While to Share My Grief
Sorry...my series is on hold for another day or two. I'm not doing all that well, so I'm going to ask readers for prayers. I need to grow a thicker skin. A much thicker skin. Seriously. I don't know what made me think that it was a good idea to put myself this far out in the open, on-line, where anyone can come along and tear off a piece of my flesh at will. Anyways, Robert Sungenis has written a response to my "Looking To Desire" post. I'm not going to link to Sungenis' post. Please let me put in a very strong caveat lector for my same-sex attracted readers: don't hunt it down on-line and read it. It probably won't be as bad for you as it was for me, because the slanders, detractions and rash judgements will not be peppered with your name, but we all know that he's never actually met me, and that he's really just saying what he believes to be true of all of us. I thought that I would be okay, that I could take it like a man, and not let it get under my skin. I was wrong. My husband warned me that I probably didn't want to know, but I didn't believe him...I've still got that Stoic hangover and it often causes me to feel that I can be much more emotionally bullet-proof than I actually can.
The big problem is that I suffer really badly from what I call "the Kafka Effect," that is to say, the effect described in Kafka's "The Trial" and "The Judgement," where people come to feel that they really are guilty just because they're accused of things. (It's actually true: that really does happen. Darren Brown did a really interesting episode of The Experiment where he tried to see if a person could be made to confess to a murder they didn't commit just by tapping into their reserves of free-floating guilt, by accusing them and making them doubt themselves. It worked a charm. In less than twenty-four hours, this guy was down at the police station putting his hands up to a crime that had never actually even occurred. Apparently it happens in real life as well: in a significant percentage of DNA exoneration cases, the accused confessed to the crimes that they were later exonerated for. Consider that your official social justice factoid for the day.) In any case, I've been mightily assured by people who actually know me that my initial shocked disbelief was the right reaction, that the accusations are unfounded, and that Sungenis does not have a secret Eye of Sauron that allows him to see into some dark recess of my heart where even I am afraid to look.
So pray for me. Like I said, I'm taking it badly and my confidence is pretty severely shaken. It doesn't matter that it's not founded on anything more than presumption and prejudice, it still stings like a son-of-a-bitch. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll have pulled myself together, and I'll be up to posting part 7.
Love you all, Melinda