(Two brothers, their sister and a
young woman are arguing about sex.)
(Captain Subtext Transmitting:
Catullus is tentatively putting his foot out of the closet with
Germanicus so he can see how his family will react to his
homosexuality. Germanicus is trying to maintain his rationalistic
convictions in the face of the temptation posed to him by Sheila.
Sheila is hoping that Germanicus will stop maintaining his
rationalistic convictions and ask her out. Lydia is utterly oblivious
and thinks it's just a rational debate.)
Sheila: You think sex during
pregnancy is unnatural? Seriously?
Catullus: Germanicus, nobody has
believed that in 1600 years.
Germanicus: Truth doesn't
change. It is eternal. It is immutable. It is fixed. 1600 years do
not have any bearing on it whatsoever.
Sheila: But just because they
believed something in ancient Rome that doesn't mean it's the eternal
truth.
Germanicus: It has nothing to do
with Rome. It's a rational argument: you don't sow seed in a barren
field. It just doesn't make sense.
Sheila: I am a person, not a
field.
Germanicus: It's an analogy. It
means you don't do things when they won't conduce towards their ends.
Sheila: But why is pleasure not
an end of sex? Or love? Or even just plain fun?
Germanicus: For the same reason
that you don't open beer bottles with your wedding ring. The thing
that sex is actually for is too important to misuse it just for fun.
Sheila: So love isn't important?
Germanicus: Love is not sex!
Sheila: But sex expresses love.
Germanicus: No. The responsible
use of sex expresses love. Being willing to bear another person's
children expresses love. Being chaste so that you don't make your
spouse sick expresses love. Practicing self-control so that you will
actually be in rational possession of your faculties and able to make
decisions for the good of another person expresses love. Sex without
responsibility just expresses passion, which is often antithetical to
love.
Sheila: But how is sex during
pregnancy irresponsible? Or sex between two men who are committed to
one another?
Lydia: Time out. You're all
missing the point. The natural law is not supposed to be a series of
hair-splitting casuistries. It's supposed to be a consolidation of
the wisdom of the ages on the question of how to live a happy life.
It's like a recipe for happiness that was handed down by your
grandmother.
Catullus: Cute. But what if “the
wisdom of the ages” makes me unhappy? What if it's a recipe for
brownies and I'm allergic to chocolate?
Lydia: I realize that that looks
like a really strong argument. It is a really strong argument. But
give me a moment and I'll try to explain. Okay. It is often the case
that people think they will be made happy by things that really make
them unhappy. Like you remember that guy I dated, Mark?
Germanicus: We all remember
Mark.
Lydia: Right. And I thought that
he was just the cherry on the cake, but everyone else could see that
he was a Total Loser. By the time I figured that out, we'd already
had sex, and now I still have images of him come up in my mind when
I'm trying to make love to Tom. Gross. Because I thought I knew what
would make me happy and I didn't have a clue. I totally should have
listened to Dad.
Sheila: But Lydia, everyone can
see that gay people are happier if they have a partner, and less
happy if they don't. I mean, whether or not a person has someone to
love is a really standard index of the likelihood of suicide, it's a
really common predictor of happiness or unhappiness.
Lydia: I know. But have you seen
old gay guys? I know, I shouldn't say this, it's horrible, but it's
true. It's really sad. Because they put all of their chips down on
that one horse, and most of the time it doesn't place. I used to
volunteer at a hospice where there were guys there dying of AIDS with
no one to visit them. The gay community had used them up, spit them
out, and it was terrible.
Catullus: I've met “old gay
guys,” and that isn't my experience.
Lydia: Whoa. You took that
awfully personally.
Catullus: I'm not taking it
personally, it was an offensive thing to say! And in any case, there
are plenty of straight people in exactly the same boat. Go to any old
folk's home on the planet and you'll find them there in droves.
Lydia: Yeah. The ones who
contracepted all their kids away. I mean, Catullus, have you ever, in
your entire life, met an old woman with a horde of
great-grandchildren who really regrets having chosen that life?
Never! Doesn't happen. Having kids is like investing in your future
happiness and the happiness of generations to come.
Sheila: But gay people don't
have that option.
Germanicus: Sure they do. Look,
I know that this is politically incorrect but it happens to be a
fact: most of the gay people throughout most of history were
heterosexually married. And most of them managed to pay the marriage
debt. This whole meme that says gay men can't have straight sex is
almost entirely untrue. It's a politically convenient argument to try
to make a moral hard-case out of people's carnal desires.
Sheila: So you think that people
should marry people that they're not attracted to and don't love,
just so that they can have children?
Germanicus: Love is an act of
the will. It's not a feeling. I mean, look at all of the other family
relationships we have. I don't love Catullus because I saw him one
day across the play room and my heart leapt in my chest and winged
babies started playing heavenly music over our heads. I love him
because he's my brother and I have a fraternal obligation to do so.
Obviously I feel affection as well, but the feelings are a result of
the act of will, not visa versa. This whole social experiment
where marriage is based on feelings has been a spectacular disaster
because it roots love in something purely temporary and involuntary.
Sheila: Okay, so when you
finally decide that you're ready to get married, you're going to go
to your father and get him to find you a suitable woman, a virgin
with a dowry who wants to have a dozen kids, and you'll settle down
and make it work whether you like her or not?
Germanicus: Well...no. But it
would probably be better if I did.
Lydia:
Germanicus, that's just nonsense. You shouldn't marry someone you
don't love. And gay guys shouldn't marry women just so they can have
kids. That's just a disaster waiting to happen.
Catullus:
So what, in your opinion, ought they to do?
Lydia:
Lots of people live happy lives without getting married. They should
form friendships that are stable and responsible, and not based on
lust.
Catullus: Why is what you feel
for Tom “love” and what...a gay man feels for another gay man is
“lust”?
Lydia: If it's not lust, why is
the gay community obsessed with sex? I mean, they do they parade
around half-naked every year. And it is a notoriously promiscuous
sub-culture. Doesn't that suggest that something is not right? If
these relationships were as fulfilling as they're supposed to be,
wouldn't they be overwhelmingly lasting and monogamous?
Catullus: Oh, you mean like
marriage? What is the divorce rate again? About fifty percent? And
the rate of adultery is similar I hear.
Lydia: In a self-indulgent,
contraceptive culture, yeah. But if you look at the marriages of
people who follow the natural law, they're like...I don't remember
the statistic, but it's well over ninety percent stable.
Sheila: Because people who
follow the “natural law” are almost 100% Christians who don't
believe in divorce, so if they're unhappy in their marriages they
stick it out for god.
Germanicus: If people are
unhappy in their marriages they should figure out how to be
responsible for their own happiness, not break their most solemn
promises to go scrounging after greener grass on the other side.
Sheila: How can you be happy
with someone who you don't love anymore?
Lydia: How can you be happy when
you can't depend on the most important relationship in your life?
Catullus: How can you be happy
if you can't have that “most important relationship” at all?
Germanicus: Why can't you have
that relationship, and just not have sex?
Sheila: Why
would you deny one of life's greatest pleasures to yourself and to
the person that you love?
Lydia:
For the sake of something higher.
Catullus:
Higher than love?
Germanicus:
Higher than sex.
Sheila:
You mean like god?
Lydia:
Yes. I do mean God.
Catullus:
But why should God object?
Germanicus:
For the sake of truth.
(This
is where the waitress comes over to recharge the glasses.)
Germanicus:
Look. It's a well established fact, known throughout all cultures and
all times except our own, that sexual desire has the ability to
seduce men away from the Good, the Beautiful and the True. For the
sake of sex, men betray their loved ones. For the sake of sex they
endure ugliness and depravity. For the sake of sex they deny their
gods and abandon reason. You therefore must have some way of
conforming sexuality to the demands of right reason. You do that by
asking “What is this for? What is it's proper use? How can I make
sure that I am acting as a free and rational agent, not just going on
blind instinct towards whatever feels good?” And I think it's
obvious that the purpose of sex is the procreation of the species.
That is a genuine good, and if you pursue it rationally, without
subserving yourself to pleasure, you avoid the pitfalls that I
outlined above...
Sheila:
But pleasure is good. People are pleasure-seeking by nature,
that's just how we are. Even your rationality, your morality...why do
you value these things? Because you enjoy the pleasure of “interior
equilibrium.” Because you enjoy the pleasure of feeling like you're
a rational and virtuous person. Because, and I'm sorry to say this
Germanicus, you enjoy the pleasure of feeling like you're better than
other people. And if those are the things that really make you happy,
that's okay for you. But other people want to be held, want to be
loved, want to be made love to. That's what we genuinely want and
it's what we freely pursue. That's not irrational, or ugly, or
depraved...
Lydia:
No,
of course it's not. But pleasure is not the highest good. It's a
finger that points us towards the highest good. The things that bring
us pleasure do so because they're an image of God. Sex isn't just a
rubbing together of body parts or a burst of chemical excitement in
the brain. It's not even just a way of feeling close to another
person. It's a way of being in communion so intense and so incredible
that it's able to make new life. It's literally an image of the Holy
Trinity. Is the desire for that bad? Of course not. It's really,
really good. But you have to understand it in its proper context as
something that actually leads us towards the Good, the Beautiful and
True...
Catullus:
Well at least your not hiding behind some specious argument,
pretending that it's “rational” and “natural” and nothing to
do with religion. I mean, religious proscription I can understand.
Don't eat pork. Don't drink liquor. Shave your head. Never cut your
hair. Wear a funny hat. Cut off a piece of your dick. Every religion
has to have difficult precepts as a way of gauging whether or not
one's adherence is sincere. Arbitrary formal impositions that give
shape to moral life - I believe in that. I fast
when I'm calling on the Muse, I don't produce kitsch no matter how
much money I owe, and I will not abandon my vows even if it leads me
to death...
*
Germanicus:
You believe in arbitrary laws, but not objective ones?
*
Sheila:
You care more about your virtue than the people that you love?
*
Lydia:
You would trade ephemeral pleasure for the good of your eternal soul?
*
Catullus:
Why would God tell me one thing in my heart and another in your law?
Although
the conversation continues on into the wee hours of the morning, no
further progress is made.
(End of Part VI)